If Not Now

I sat on the porch of my aunt and uncle’s beach house in Maine entirely doubtful of the future. My grandpa had just passed away pretty unceremoniously in his trailer quite alone and without much notice, until he was found of course. I was the one chosen to write his eulogy. It was one of the first times I had to think very deeply about someone wonderful in my life who I had just taken for granted. My grandfather lived a full life although he rarely left our home state of New Hampshire except for the occasional visit into Maine or Massachusetts and there was always that one trip to Las Vegas. Quite honestly, we couldn’t be further from each other. Me with my worries, him with his carefree nature. Me with a Master’s degree, and him illiterate. Me unemployed, and him always hustling. But man did he live fully. So I sat on the steps feeling quite sad for obvious reasons and quite disappointed with myself for not figuring out how to at least get a job.

My whole family went to the beach house after the funeral as we had planned to do even before my grandfather passed. My boyfriend who has been around long enough to be family pulled in a little later as usual in his Jeep Wrangler. Alone on the porch staring out at the ocean, he turned to me and said, “let’s go on the trip you’ve always wanted.” I paused. I didn’t have a job. I had no idea where my life was going. Even when life presents you with an amazing opportunity that you’ve always wanted, sometimes you back away because it’s just too big and perfect. But, thinking of my grandfather, I said yes. Ignoring all logical reasons that my mind could put in front of me to deter me, I decided to go. Because, if not now, when? And if later, remembering my grandpa, what if I never made it there?

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